Hotter than Hell
by Malice Shaw
Summary: What do ya get with two bored authors, (Malice Shaw and Zachere) a hot summer night, and the cast of FF8? The scare results inside on this edition of: Hotter then Hell! PG 13 to be very safe. No more then just a few bad words, ya know. Read and REVIEW!!!!


Malice Shaw: There has got to be an explanation for this somewhere...  
  
  
  
Part 1: Malice  
  
Once upon a day in Balamb Garden Cid Kramer held his face in his hands. Sweat drizzled from his forehead, enough to fill pot after pot after pot, which Edea angrily changed and switched around. Hell, she was hot too!  
  
Elsewhere in the Garden stood the SeeD commander Squall Leonhart, who also was sweltering inside his nice, comfy, sexy jacket. Beside him was Rinoa Heartilly, who fanned herself off with Shooting Star instead of attempting to kill the T-Rexaurs with her loverboy. Pissed off, Squall threw down his Lionheart and spat at the T-Rexaur, who knew that this just WASN'T in the script and ran away while Squall threw a hissy fit.  
  
"DAMN IT!" He shouted. "It's too fucking hot to be fighting!"  
  
"Squall!" Rinoa squealed so loud that the glass ceiling of the training center cracked a little. "You don't swear!" *cracking sound* "You just go '...' and all that STUFF!" *deeper cracks from above*  
  
Blinking his eyes, Squall gave Rinoa a glare and said "Okay. Fine. Rinoa?"  
  
"Yes, Squally wally poo?!?!?!" *crack!*  
  
Then it happened.   
  
Squall Leonhart gave his lady love the most evil, disgusting, scariest '...' ever! Of course Rinoa was too stupid to know it and she shrieked at him because she thought he was ignoring her.  
  
"SQUALL STOP IGNORING ME YOU BIG FAT MEANIE!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
*CRACK*BREAK!*  
  
The ceiling fell about their heads in a rain of glass slivers and painful looking jagged pieces of the ceiling. Squall began to have really bad flashbacks of when Edea shoved Ice through his shoulder and started convulsing and getting really bad Grand Mal seizures.  
  
*****  
  
Part 2: Zachere  
  
Elsewhere in the Garden, Zell Dincht stood, drenched from head to toe. It was so hot his hair was drooping. Sweat rolled down his hot, muscular, totally-in-shape body- er.  
  
Anyway, he stood in the fountain by the front gate, shoeless, and glared at the staring passersbye. His shirt floated in the shin-length cool water, its absence revealing his toned, tanned, totally-sculpted chest and abs- er.  
  
ANYWAY, Selphie Tilmitt chose that moment to skip by happily on her way to nowhere in particular, and stopped in surprise when she spied Zell standing in the fountain.  
  
"Zell!"  
  
Zell jumped, startled. Selphie had that effect sometimes. He met her emerald green eyes, and she felt the urge to pass out from sheer lu- er.  
  
I mean, she smiled cheerfully at him and tugged off her boots. "Good idea, Zelly. I think I'll join you."  
  
Zell moved over a few steps, splashing water up onto his tight, totally-ripped calves- er.   
  
Screw it. The author needs to go have a lie down. Or a cold shower.  
  
*****  
  
Part 3: Malice  
  
Far away from Garden, in Esthar, Laguna Loire was sitting in his office, his hot hunky chest bared for all to see as the heatwave spread from place to place. His sandles where thrown on the floor as if in a fit of passion and his legs crossed pleasantly at his ankles, he skimmed through the Esthar News, each passing movement somehow making his body shift in some delightful way that makes female authors like Zachere and I drool with anticipation of him turning the page (He may be old but DAMN that guy's fine!)  
  
Suddenly he stood up and decided to himself that a nice cold glass of lemonade would surely, suffice it to say, quench his thirst for something hot, steamy, deli- erm *ahem* Nice and cold on this hot summer day! Walking towards the fridge, his every movement making his muscles ripple with excellent potency, he leaned down, showing off his nice firm and ripe behind, still firm and hard as a rock after so many years.   
  
(author reaches out to tweak behind)  
  
Suddenly, Laguna was shocked alive! Turning sharply, he accidently dropped an ice cube, looked down at it, ignoreed it, walked a step or two but slipped on said ice cube, and fell on that perfect...delicious...excellent...firm....erm..  
  
..Damn them sexy Loire men...  
  
FELL ON HIS ASS.  
  
*****  
  
Part 4: Zachere  
  
Seifer Almasy was freezing his ass off. What the hell had he been thinking, anyway?  
  
"It's too damned hot to think," he muttered, and continued tapping on the door.  
  
"Helloooooo? Can someone let me out?"  
  
Suddenly, he heard giggling from the other side of the door.  
  
He banged on the door. "Who the hell is out there? Let me out, NOW!"  
  
Muffled snickering was the only response. He stopped banging and listened.  
  
"Raijin! Fujin! Let me out this second or I swear to Hyne I will beat you BLOODY!"  
  
Gales of laughter assaulted him. His nose itched suddenly but he didn't have enough manuevering room to get at it.  
  
He slammed a fist against the door again. "C'mon, guys...please?"  
  
He heard the whispering, but couldn't make out more than, "...locked himself in the fridge..."  
  
He groaned. He'd never live this one down.   
  
*****  
  
Part 5: Malice  
  
Irvine Kinneas was HOT.   
  
But he would never ever take off his jacket.  
  
It was his chick magnet! Girls loved the cowboy get up, even when it was 120 degrees sweltering outside and even worse inside he would never ever take off his long coat. Smirking, he walked down the halls and waved to all the ladies with one hand, wiping sweat with the other.   
  
It was just...too hot...to..take..off his...  
  
The heat was getting to him. He wanted water. He needed water. He saw a convulsing Squall in the training center and a happy jumping Rinoa, and was seemingly hypnotized by the wavy moving of Rinoa's dress, even though each time she opened her mouth animals would scream and glass would break.  
  
It was moving so..fluidly..  
  
Like...water...  
  
Cool...sweet...delicious...water...  
  
Licking his lips, all Irvine could do was think up a notoriously hideous plan to cool off. Diving into some bushes (yes there are bushes in the training center) he took of all his clothes, save his jacket, and stretched out languidly in the soft dirt, ignoring the Bite Bug nipping at his ass. When he was done, he wrapped his jacket tightly around his waist, and said hi to a shrieking Rinoa, and wandered out of the training center.  
  
He just happened to forget his clothes.  
  
*****  
  
Part 6: Zachere  
  
Quistis Trepe was going nuts. Her skin was sticky. Her clothes were clinging to her more fiercely than Trepies. The papers she was trying to grade stuck to her hands.   
  
She shook her arm violently, trying to dislodge a particularly amourous term paper, and snarled as it finally fell to the floor.   
  
"Screw it," she growled, and stood up. "It's too hot for this crap."  
  
She pulled her heavy skirt from the backs of her thighs and stretched. Damn! Why the hell did she have to wear knee high leather boots and a long skirt? Her legs were like logs of fire.  
  
She was totally and completely fed up, and she had an idea. If Cid had a problem with her plan, well, she was willing to bet he wouldn't say a damned word about it.  
  
Where were those sunglasses...? She rummaged in her desk, and finally found them. She pinned all of her hair up on top of her head and put on the glasses.  
  
Now for the attire...where the hell was it, anyway? She'd bought it last summer, but had never worn it, for reasons of modesty.  
  
Ten minutes later, she strode out of her quarters clad only in a tiny red bikini, sunglasses, and thong sandals.  
  
A young man saw her, and his jaw nearly broke several of his toes.  
  
She smirked. Eat your heart out, Trepie.  
  
*****  
  
Part 7: Malice  
  
Raijin and Fujin were laughing their asses off. Seifer, stuck inside their fridge! It was just too much.  
  
Fujin smiled primly, throwing back her showy silver hair and crossing her hands behind her, lacing them on the small of her back. Due to the heat she had changed into a simple black one piece suit that contrasted sharply with her pale skin.  
  
Raijin on the other hand had taken to wearing a pair of white swimming trunks with golden fishies all over it; when you pressed a button in the back, they started singing that annoying Gold Fish song. Musical Swimwear, from the Balamb chic, his favorite place to shop.  
  
"C'mon guys! Lemme out!" Seifer shouted, his voice all angsty and stuff. "Please!!"  
  
Getting a pity attack, Fujin tilted her head towards the door and shouted at Raijin "OPEN."  
  
Raijin was dancing along to the tune of his swimwear. "...I love the fishes cause they're so delicious... gone gold fishin'.."   
  
Fujin scowled "OPEN!"  
  
"...the whole some snack that smiled back until you bite their heads off..."  
  
Seifer heard the commotion. "I'm gonna bite YOUR damned heads off! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!"  
  
Raijin snapped out of his faze and tugged.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Fujin growled and tossed her platinum hair back, gripping the handle of the fridge tightly in her own hands. Together with Raijin she pulled and pulled for about ten minutes before collapsing of exhaustion.  
  
"Fujin?" Raijin asked. "Something's wrong.."  
  
Fujin glared at him and slammed him in the ribs. "DOOR. STUCK. MORON!"  
  
*****  
  
Part 8: Zachere  
  
Irvine felt a lot better. He wasn't sure why, but somehow it just seemed a lot cooler. He waved at three luscious honeys as he continued his stroll around Garden. They stared, and waved back. He must be really hot today, Irvine decided. Everyone seemed to be looking at him.  
  
He whistled as he saw a tall young thang walking in front of him wearing only the tiniest of bikinis. He hurried to catch up to her.  
  
"Going to the beach?" he asked in his most charming manner. He even busted out the deep voice for this one- bikinis always got special treatment.   
  
She tilted her chin up, prepatory to ignoring him, and then stopped. She pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head and stared at him, astonished.   
  
"Irvine!?"  
  
He jumped.   
  
"Quistis!?" Holy shit. She was fucking hot!  
  
He saw her gaze travel down, and he took the opportunity to sneak a few glances of his own, making sure that his eyes were safely on hers by the time she looked back up at his face. Not bad Quisty, not bad. Boy, how you've grown.   
  
She was smiling at him in the most unusual way. It looked almost like she wanted to burst out into hysterical laughter. But no, he decided. Maybe this was just Quistis flirting. After all, he'd never seen her do it before.   
  
"C'mon, Irvine. I have an idea," she said, and continued walking down the hall toward the front gate.   
  
Sure, Quisty, he thought. I just BET I know what your idea is. He followed her gleefully, and perhaps a little more slowly than was strictly necessary. He had a good view back here, after all.  
  
*****  
  
Part 9: Malice  
  
Squall whimpered as Rinoa cooed and purred at him, leading him out of the training center towards Zell and Selphie. Both of them had stripped down to their skivvies and were splashing one another with the luke warm water from the fountain trying to beat off the heat. They stopped once they saw the couple approach, and hopped out of the fountain, with Selphie dressing herself (sort of) and Zell plopping on the edge all natural like.  
  
"Hey Squall!" Zell shouted, waving his arm frantically in the air.  
  
"Z-Z-Z-Zell?" Squall murmered, sitting (forced down into a sitting position ya mean!) next to him. "What..What're you and Selphie doing?!"  
  
"Oh this?" Zell said, reaching down to slap the water with his hand. "We're cooling off! You should try it!"  
  
"Yeah Squall!" Selphie chirped happily, bouncing up and down. "Try it try it!"  
  
Squall shook his head, and rested in his 'thinker' pose. The thinker pose was a powerful pose indeed. So powerful, in fact, that it engrossed everything so much that he couldn't even see; all he could do was think.  
  
Zell saw it to his advantage. "Hey!" he shouted.  
  
"What?" Both girls said at the same time.  
  
"Anyone got scissors?! That jacket looks too damned hot man!"  
  
"Oh no!" Selphie chided in, shaking her head. "You'll snap him out and he'll kill you!"  
  
"Nah." Zell muttered, pointing. "Look. He's in his 'thinker' pose."  
  
"Oooohhhhh..." Both girls murmered, their eyes wide (Think those Aliens in Toy Story) and then all three proceeded to advance upon Squall with scissors.  
  
*****  
  
Part 10: Zachere  
  
Quistis pushed her sunglasses back down onto her nose and made for the front gate. She wanted to get to the fountain, NOW.  
  
But her stride faltered as she saw her friends by the fountain. Her mouth fell open.  
  
Zell chose that moment to look up from the mischief he was committing and blushed bright red. He turned his head and became very very interested in the scissors he was holding in his hands.  
  
The others looked up too, and stared in shock at Quistis' new outfit.  
  
"Whoa," said Rinoa.  
  
"I've got that in yellow!" said Selphie.  
  
"..." said Squall.  
  
They turned their gazes to Irvine, and their eyes got as big as hula hoops. But they didn't comment- there wasn't really anything to say.  
  
"Hmm," said Quistis. "Squall is busy thinking, isn't he?"  
  
"Yup!" Zell answered, brandishing his scissors. "How could you tell?"  
  
"Well, he's sitting...in his 'thinking pose'...and he's not wearing anything but- boxers with hearts on them?"  
  
"Guys," she shook her head. "He's not going to be happy when he snaps out of it."  
  
"We'll be far far away by the time that happens," said Zell, and Squall's cell phone rang.  
  
He snapped out of it. Everyone cringed.  
  
But he merely picked up the phone, which was resting on strips of jacket and sexy leather pants, and held up a hand for silence.  
  
"Yeah," he said sullenly into the phone. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"  
  
At that moment, Cid, Edea, Raijin, Fujin, and a very red-faced Seifer walked up.  
  
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," he was saying, and the other four snickered into their hands.   
  
Squall covered the phone with one hand. "Laguna wants to know if we want to go to the beach."  
  
"OHHH YEAHHHHH!!" shouted everyone except for Irvine, who had just realized exactly what he wasn't wearing.  
  
"Fine. Pick us up in twenty minutes," said Squall boredly into the phone, then hung up on Laguna's response.  
  
He stood up, and attempted to put the cell phone into his pocket. He stopped, and looked around accusingly.  
  
"Guys. What happened to my clothes?"   
  
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+  
  
  
Zachere: No, there's no explanation. 


End file.
